It just hurts knowing that I’m never going to see her again or feel her big kisses on my cheeks. I’m never going to hold her hand again or hug her. I’m never going to stand there, understanding her words through her face and hands, rather than her dialogue.

I hate the word “never.” It’s so permanent.

I miss her.

I’m going to miss her forever.

It’s a whole new kind of hurt. There’s no remedy for it.

I try to stay strong and positive, because I don’t want my grandmother to worry about me.

But I’m just so sick of my own shit.

I wish I was prettier. I wish I wasn’t disgustingly fat. I wish I wasn’t so open to my cravings. I wish I didn’t have cravings.

If I was skinny, I wouldn’t be self conscious.

If I was skinny I would be happy.

I’m fucking disgusting.

Fuck.

I want all my problems to just disappear.

I’m alone on Christmas. My parents left this morning. All my friends are busy. Natalie’s family invited me over, but I really don’t think it’d be good to intrude on their family Christmas. And plus… I’m terrible with people’s extended families. I hope she didn’t get the wrong idea… and I was really rude to her dad about it. I should apologize.

It’s just sad. I feel so alone. Was I in Bakersfield last Christmas? I can’t even remember. I can’t remember a good, memorable Christmas with family since I was like, 7. I don’t know. I’m kindof hopeless and feeling sentimental.

I’m still in my pajamas. I woke up, ate, watched dramas, painted my nails, ate, watched TV… played video games and took naps. I’m ridiculous and gross. I’m sad. Maybe I should’ve went to Nats..

I thought I wouldn’t be bothered. Today is just like any other day. It just has a name. Oh well. Oh well. It’s over now.

x

just so i don’t forget.

It’s not mine.

But in all honesty, I always think that you were one of the lucky ones. You got away. You got escape all of this. And I’m slightly jealous of you for that. I still cry though. I cry because I miss you even though we weren’t close. I cry for my laziness. I cry because I wonder why it was you, not me.

Every day I want to apologize. But it falls on nobody’s ears. Are you listening in Heaven? Purgatory? Wherever you go when you die? I really hope you do. Every day I want to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you go. I’m sorry I thought you were lucky. I’m sorry that I actually had a part in letting all of these people have pain because we’ve lost someone so amazing.

I remember when we sang together with everyone at Santa Clara’s Got Talent… and that time when I played for you at Andrew’s. I was really glad you liked my song. Someone amazing as you. I watch videos of your performances, just to hear your voice again. I miss it. You really had emotion in your performances, Tim. You were really something.

It’s sad when you realize that you’re writing this to someone who was here one moment, and gone the next. I went to your candlelight vigil. I didn’t turn the candle in because it’s my Mom’s… she really likes it. I wanted to though. I don’t know what to do at those things… it was my first one.

I’m sorry that I didn’t pay proper respects to you. I’m sorry my birthday party was the day of your funeral. I should have went. I promise to visit you sometime soon. I really do. I’m sorry that I talk to people about your suicide. I haven’t really been able to. If I talk about it at home… the whole mood changes. Here… people just listen.

It just sucks… I feel like I’ll have this regret forever. I’ll always have that thought of “I should have said something. I should have done something.” I deserve to be dead right now, Tim. I really, really do.

Should I keep living for you? Do you forgive me? Oh please. I know you probably can’t read this… but if for some reason you can, please give me a sign that you forgive me. I can’t bear this regret of knowing… I could have done something. I pray every night to a God I’m not sure exists. I say the same words every night… I try to be selfless. I prayed for you sometimes.

I just wish you could have lived a happier life. I still remember you telling the story about how you got tazed… hahah. And how we all said “It all started with ice cream.”

I miss you Tim. I really respected you, even when you weren’t at your best and I wore an attitude of disgust. You were sweet. You always had good intentions. You were talented. You were smart… or at least I think you were. If only your ice cream hadn’t been consumed.

Funny how life works isn’t it?

I’m sorry this was so long. I just keep apologizing. As I should. You deserve a million more. I’m sorry, Tim. I really am. I always will be. Please forgive me.

Yours,
Priscilla.